I am 25, single and have all sorts of experiences in my kitty. At this juncture, my mother is in a hurry to find a suitable girl for me and get me hitched. But perhaps, I am not ready for it. Not that I am not stable in life or have any other issue, but because I fear love. The fear that has been instilled in my heart and mind because of what I have witnessed in life.
My father is hale and hearty, and he is rich too! But he does not stay with me and my mother. They got divorced when I was about to step into my twenties. Rarely does he visit us and vice versa. After parting ways with my mother, he re-married while my mother took my responsibility and remained single.
My parents met during their struggling days. Belonging to different communities meant difficulty in getting married, but anyhow, they did. Years passed, and with the passage of time they found that things weren’t working out the way they wanted them to. Hence, they got separated.
I feel that in this era, where relationships are based on some terms and conditions and reality is hidden under the mask of understanding, if your relationship loses that zeal and the stubbornness that holds two persons together, then staying together doesn’t make sense.
In this light, I find my parents’ decision to be fairly practical. I do not blame them. It is a different thing that being a child I never wanted them to be apart. But again, divorce is like a grave disease that doesn’t show up until the final stage is reached. And unfortunately, the moment it reveals itself to you, nothing can be done to reverse its effect.
I felt low. I cried for months. I tried to divert myself towards other things. I saw my mother’s mental trauma, the pain she went through, the emotions in her eyes were something I cannot explain in words. Later, the hardships of life and my own relationships made me look at my parents’ decision from a different perspective altogether.
I lost all the love I had in me. Got into three beautiful relationships, and while all of them looked long-lasting, they ended in ways I never thought they will. I ended each one of them. As things became clearer, smoother, I pulled myself back from making a commitment. I loved them, wanted them to last long, but the word ‘commitment’ gave me goose bumps. I thought I wasn’t cut out for it. I craved for love, but whenever I got it, I got confused. I used to distance myself from it, excusing the distance to boredom. Perhaps this was the way I tried to deceive myself from the fear of relationships. I don’t deny my mistakes, but the face of the lady who raised me up and seeing the dearth of love in her life made me more cautious. It prevented me from loving someone to the extent of getting hurt.
I was 19 when that incident hit me, I wasn’t mature enough to understand its cause or its implications.
I am a changed man now. I believe in living in the present. I don’t think much of what happened. I accept it as an unfortunate past which has been associated with me and I no longer regret it. I meet my dad occasionally, we discuss a lot of things and end our meetings quite casually. But sometimes, seeing my mother hide her grief behind a smile and the sense of loneliness in her eyes makes me hate the fate bestowed upon her.
But I don’t hate love now. I do hate my past fear to commitment, but seeing the society and living with different people, I’ve realized that the love I have seen is an exception to the real one. The beauty of love lies somewhere outside the one that existed between my parents. I have definitely lost the love in me for people, but am searching for it within myself again.
By Ramta Jogi
Published in The Times of India